Magnitude of Gratitude....

Earlier this week a member of the relief society presidency called and asked if I would share an experience in my life that has taught me gratitude.  Easy, peasy, I thought.  There are a lot of things I have learned and that have taught me gratitude.  However, I was surprised how quickly my mind kept returning to the same experiences and thoughts.  

First I was thinking of my cute dad.  The poor guy was "blessed" with 5 daughters.  But luckily he taught us to hike and love the outdoors, and even accompany him on some hunting excursions.  We played contact sports and were shown strategic ways to use our smaller sizes to our advantage.  I'll never forget how proud he was of me when I got my first yellow card.  Seriously, welcome to "Green Family Olympics" where daughters and sisters compete in girly events such as arm wrestling, push up/sit up competitions, pull ups, wall sits, foot races etc. etc.  He taught us how to be "tuff", to "walk it off" and to be strong.  Those experiences from my younger years helped me a lot all throughout my jr. high and high school years, especially when it came to playing soccer and volleyball (and my attempt at track).  But they also helped me to be strong in other areas....sometimes I think I tried to look or act a little too strong when I should have asked for help, or asked someone older and wiser for advice.

Lately I have been struggling and have been super down in the dumps (no pun intended for the strapping garbage man I call, "husband").  I found myself feeling sorry for myself, and then realizing what I was doing, I would justify my feelings, simply adding to my doom and gloom.

But then the phone call came....what experience has taught me gratitude?

I began thinking about our struggles to become parents and start a family.  Sometimes I feel like the thoughts and confusion consume me until I am nothing but a sad excuse of a wife in the same sweats from yesterday.....like I walk by my closet of clothes meticulously organized by color and say, "hey guys, remember me?  I used to get ready for the day, but now why bother?  I'm not going anywhere anyways.  Except to the mailbox, and if I look both ways and run quick, no one will even see me.  I don't even need shoes."  Which is fine, every once in a while, but not on a consistent basis.  Anyways, enough with my wardrobe conversations.  It seems like I'm used to get my feelings hurt or become upset with our current fertility issue quite easily.....almost expectantly.  Someone would say something or compare me to someone or themselves and I would go home and be so angry I would just cry.  What happened to the "tuff" girl my dad raised?  The girl who didn't let anybody push her around on the soccer field, or gave her best on the volleyball court?  (track cannot be included since it was mostly used to get a head start on my tan for the summer.)  

As all my feelings and thoughts were running around in my mind this week, my thought process began to change.  I remembered my dad sending me a book while I was away at school called The Peacegiver by James L. Ferrell.  I absolutely loved this book.  I had never really known other aspects of the Atonement other than that the Savior paid for my sins.  At the time I did not realize that the Atonement encompasses so much more than that.  The Savior knows our sorrows, feels the pains of our trails, he felt the sting of being hurt or wronged by someone else.  He knows how I feel.  And if I let Him, He will take those pains, hurt, and tears of mine away.  

I thought about all those times when I was hurt by something someone had said, or when I became offended when someone told me they knew how I felt with my fertility issues.  I tried to be "tuff" and smile and take the advice and stories, but inside I wasn't feeling so "tuff".  I was feeling hurt, angry, offended.  

However, I have been reflecting on these situations for several days now.  And instead of judging someone for what they had said to me, thinking my situation was so much worse than theirs how could they even try to compare with my situation. I began to see things a little bit differently.  I found out when I use the Atonement, I don't have to put on a "tuff" face anymore. 

I have so many blessings.  I have truly been blessed with experiences and opportunities that have made me a better person.  So why ruin all that with negativity?  How much better was I when I compared my situation to someone else's, trying to prove I have it worse?  Someone who was only trying to empathize or sympathize with me.  Should I become angry or hurt by them because I didn't like their word choice?  Or maybe they were a little condescending....but I can't change them or how they feel.  But I can change and control the way I intake the information or conversation.  I was SO.WRONG. to think my situation is worse than a mother who has children, but is now having a hard time becoming pregnant again.  And before anyone in particular thinks I am pointing the finger at them,  I'm not.  Who an I to judge your feelings and your situation  And I apologize to you, even though you may not have known I had some of these feelings.  I, not you, was wrong.  I do not know your whole situation.  I do not know the pains you as an individual are suffering.  So with my attitude changed I would hope to be a good friend during these conversations we have about our similar situations.  And if our situations are not similar I hope to be a good listener.....sometimes we all just need a good listener.

And during this month of Thankfulness and family, I would like to say that I am and will forever be THANKFUL for my Savior and the Atonement.  Because without it I would not be able to turn to Him for comfort and solace, for strength and peace of heart and mind, for patience in the unknown and questions.  When I turn all my heartache, grief, and trials over to Him, I find I am able to focus on the things that I do have, not that my heart doesn't ache for the precious little fingers and toes I don't get to count right now, but that I am able to find comfort in the fact that He feels that same ache for me.  And one day when I have extra appendages to count, that day will be that much sweeter.  And hopefully the gratitude I feel for the blessings I do have, right here, right now, this very moment in my life will not only linger, but become stronger.

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace when other sources 

Cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, 

I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows, 

Where when I languish, where in my need to know

Where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand? He, only One.

He answers privately, 

Reaches my reaching

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.

Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.

Constant he is and kind, love without end.

One project down....

I've been working on a couple projects lately. One being to finish the front room.  We're pretty much there...if you don't count the boxes hiding behind my awesome zebra chair. 

Before:

The coffee table was Grandpa and Denise's, then Ken and Mari's, then Mari gave it to us.

I forgot to get a before picture of the end table, but it's behind the coffee table.

After:

  Our front room is just about finished. I just have a couple things I'd like to do.  But I think I'll take a break for a minute.

It's snowing!

There's nothing like the first snow storm of the year.

P.S.  remember the abominable snowman?

Dear Craigslist....

Dear So-in-so,
I posted an ad on craigslist stating I was offering piano lessons.....that was it.  Please stop sending me the same message over and over.  I am not going to tutor your 16 year old son, when he is here on vacation from the UK.  And, no I wont be sending you any of my personal information so you can pay me ahead of time.  It is very clever to send the exact same email, from 13 or so different email addresses, I didn't respond the first time for a reason. I'm on to you.

Thanks.....but no thanks!

Sincerely,
Disgruntled Piano Teacher

P.S.  I miss ksl.com

I had to re-post this post from my friend Carly's blog ( no words, she re-posted from this blog C.Jane Enjoy It) .  It has helped me change my attitude over the last week.  And believe me, I needed a little attitude adjustment/kick in the pants.  The fact of the matter is we all have our struggles and trials....or attitude and gratitude for the things we do have make all the difference.  I don't think our trials necessarily get easier or magically disappear, but when I finally decided to change my attitude I could see the same trial in a different light.  Another thing I have come to realize over the past 3 1/2 years, is that my trial is particular to me, even though others may suffer with fertility, they have other situations in their lives that make their fertility or infertility particular to them.  I feel like it's very different from the flu or strep throat....there is not a cure-all method.  Something that worked for the neighbor's sister-in-law's cousin's best friend may have worked for them, but it may not work for me, and vice versa, and that's okay too.  So, I apologize if I forgot to call you and wish you a "happy mother's day", really I sincerely do, and hope you had a fabulous mother's day.  Honestly I was probably feeling guilty for not attending sacrament meeting that day because I didn't want to accept the mother's day gift, "because someday I will be a mother", and was being all together selfish, and having a weak moment.  I don't feel angry or bitter towards others who become pregnant.  I am happy for you....really I am.


My mom referred me to an article from the April 2011 Ensign (Faith and Infertility), and one quote in particular has been on a post it ever since......


“When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren’t healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting.”


Bottom line, the Lord knows us better than we know ourselves, and He does know exactly what I am going through.  Whatever is supposed to happen with my little family will happen.....when it's supposed to happen.  I just need to make sure I am being the best I can be so I am ready when it does.

Infertility is so much more than...      
not having a baby in your arms.

That's why you can't hand your crying baby to the infertile woman at church and say things like, "Here, this will make you feel better. Aren't you glad you don't have to put up with this?"

The woman experiencing infertility doesn't want your baby. Certainly, your baby is squishy and lovely (even when crying) and smells so nice, but that's not it. That's not even a consolation.

Nor is saying to your infertile neighbor, "You should just adopt. If you adopt I swear you'd get pregnant. It's happened to like, three of my friends/relatives/coworkers."

Because, that's not it either. It's not about achieving some ends to a means. It's not about belittling adoption so you can achieve a pregnancy.

And adoption is not a scientific cure for infertility--and it's not an emotional cure either.

Infertility is an all encompassing state of being. It has the force to completely take over the core of a woman's belief about who she is and what she is capable of. It's not about having a biological baby or an adopted baby or a foster baby, it's about feeling whole even if no baby ever comes at all.

It's about overcoming those days when you are called to repentance (by well-meaning family members, or ladies at church) for "lacking the faith to conceive" or for being selfish because "what is taking you so long to have a baby?"

It's being able to love your body even though it's not functioning in a fertile way. It's about ignoring the statements like, "if you lost weight you'd get pregnant," or "the clock is ticking! you're getting too old," or "I don't know what the problem is, my husband looks at me wrong and I'm pregnant!"

It's the determination that no matter how family-friendly our culture is, or how valuable we pronounce motherhood or how we like to say well-meaning things like, "we're all mothers!" that the truth is we are all daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. And that isolated characteristic is mighty powerful in its own course. Anything else added to it is cherry, but not necessary for our eternal self-esteem.

My own battle with infertility ripped me apart. In those heavy years I felt every emotion given to mankind to feel. Jealously like a furious ocean. Anger, rage and self-directed disappointment. It wasn't just the inability to conceive, it was the inability to believe in myself.

There was a lot of misunderstanding everywhere I went.

BUT. There is a belief structure that we preach in our church based on a scripture in the Book of Mormon it says:

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

If we come unto Christ, He will make our weaknesses strengths.

I'm not talking about being infertile for five years and then pregnant for the next four (which, as it turns out has happened in my experience). My weakness wasn't infertility which was washed away by strong fertility.

My weakness was not seeing who I really was, with or without a baby. I could only see myself as a person who wanted. I was incomplete. And upon getting (miraculously) pregnant I didn't suddenly understand, but somehow along the way I could see how the Lord took me by my hand and showed me my strength:

I am a daughter of God, and therefore entitled to intelligence, creativity, joy, inspiration and beyond. These are my strengths. Real strengths.

That is not to say there aren't residual wounds that came because of that inner turmoil (I am still working on forgiving some of those "helpful" remarks . . .) I feel I'll never get over the entire experience completely. And I suppose this is a post easier to write on the eve of having my third child. But I remember saying to myself during those extremely lonely years, "I want hope more than I want a baby." I didn't mean hope that someday I'd conceive, I meant hope that someday it wouldn't be so painful to be me.

This past week I was asked by Studio 5 to be a guest on their Sensitivity Training segment. They asked me to speak about how to talk to someone experiencing infertility. During the interview I said a phrase I didn't get to really explain "there's light at the end of the tunnel." It sounds so cliche and trite out of context. I didn't mean conception.

I meant: the light at the end of the tunnel comes when the light inside of yourself illuminates who youreally are, and what you're really capable of.

That's when infertility becomes less about having a baby in your arms and more about gratitude for having experienced it.

Happy Birthday Austin....

Tomorrow is my cute husbands 28th birthday.  When he turned 27, I told him that 27 was basically 30.....so happy 30th birthday again Aust!  You're the best husband ever, and I am so thankful I get to spend forever with you.

P.S.  Thanks for turning around, even when you really didn't want to so I could take this hilarious picture of the cow on our Seattle trip, it was totally worth it.  You're the best.

Auto-Pilot.....

My cute husband works so hard to take care of us.....sometimes he seems like he's on automatic pilot.

These days husband is super tired all the time and will fall asleep if sitting down for any extended period of time.  He usually goes to bed between seven and eight.  I went up to bed around 9:45, and wasn't super tired (shocker), and was sitting in bed sewing and watching tv.....quietly.  Before I go any further I must reinforce how quickly Aust goes to sleep and how he really is a sound sleeper.  After I had been upstairs for about a half hour or so when all of a sudden he sits up in bed and look around.  I just sat quietly watching him.  Then he stands up still looking around....I still was just watching/anticipating.  He walked into the bathroom and closed the door....then I heard the shower door open.  I started laughing and decided it was time to intervene, before he got all ready for work after only a couple hours of sleep.

So funny!  Don't worry he quickly fell back asleep in seconds.....even as I continued to giggle.

The Mailbox....

Since moving to Colorado I have loved checking my mailbox.  Not that I have ever been expecting anything exciting or anything.  I guess it was just something for me to look forward to everyday.  

Late last night I realized I hadn't checked and went out in the dark to check.

My sister-in-law Irene sent me a package that seriously meant a lot to me.  It's always nice to get an extra something in the mail...but it was totally something I needed to see yesterday...so, 

Thanks Irene!  You're the best!